Thoughts on this Journey called Life.

Not as serious.

2010-11-04T15:28:00.001-07:00

I started a new blog: http://withallthatfreetime.blogspot.com/-- visit me. It's not near as serious as this blog and I think I'm going to turn this one off for a little while. I'm still free, still loving Jesus, just working through the intimacy of my relationship with him, and what that entails (see #1 blog post on new blog).

Cheers!

A few things on my mind.

2010-08-03T13:39:00.000-07:00

These are the most recent things I've been working through and wanted to share.

1. Why do people (I will not exclude myself) feel the need to update their status on facebook or twitter with a prayer? For instance, I saw just today someone say "Oh, Lord. We need your awakening. Please come quickly." Now here is where I am: we are called to be doers of God's word, to speak it, proclaim it. But does that mean we are to pray so that others may read it? hmmm. Just a thought. I don't think, in the right context, that offering up a public prayer is wrong. I do think that we are far to concerned that others see us being spiritual. Offering scripture as encouragement and edification is necessary and pure. Asking God to come quickly via facebook seems, well, just weird. There is such an intimacy that God desires from our hearts and minds that I fear we have made public for our own good-reason. Facebook, Twitter, etc are not places to offer up a prayer to the God of the universe. Get on your knees, face down and be intimate with Him. [there is a special note that this is something I am coming to grips with. Don't talk to Jesus via social media. That is dumb. You can talk of Him, but get in His word, or get still to talk to Him.] It's almost like we've become modern day pharisees. That is scary, folks.

2. God surely loves to bless us, and sometimes even when we don't deserve it. I have not been reading my Bible the way I should. As I know the Lord longs for the closeness, it is my loss not His. My life is so much more stable when I am quieted before Him. Well, at least my spirit. Even though I'm not spending as much time with Him as I should in His word, he's teaching me new things daily. One thing is that he loves the details and wants me to quiet down and trust those details. Another is his favor over his children. Although I know reading his word keeps my life stable, I also know that my relationship with him is an all-day, everyday thing. He's good to remind me He's in it for the long haul.

3. My house is almost ready. The house that God built me. If you know me well, you know of many things the Lord has told me about that house. It's the house that God built me, and I pray that it will be a place to bless many others - with his encouragement, his word, his teachings. I am dwelling right now on the word....INVADE.

A big ole S on my forehead.

2010-07-14T15:08:00.000-07:00

I love Elisabeth Elliott. I love her heart, her desire for Christ, her willingness to tell it like it is. Not always do I agree with how hard-core she is, but most often in her books, I am reminded of God's design and for that I am so thankful.

I have read The Quest for Love a few times, and am about to start reading it again. There are so many words offered, through scripture, to help in times of waiting. To remind us why we must wait.

Was flipping through just now, and found this, "...the Lord would have to make it clear to a guy that I was not going to make a single move. I reasoned that since I was only interested in marrying a godly man, then I could trust God to lead him to me, for he would be a man attuned to God's voice and would know that God was directing him to pursue me."

That is some seriously grounding, real stuff. If what we want is truly someone that God prompts to us, then we must wait. The end.

Details, people. God doesn't miss the details.

What is wrong with you? Wait. What is wrong with me?!

2010-07-07T13:19:00.000-07:00

One of the many ways that Jesus has refined me over the years is to immediately ask me where I am wrong in situations where I am so quick to judge, hurt, or point a finger. It's so easy to be the victim. To think you've been wronged. But as a follower of Christ, it is mandatory (a) to suffer for His sake, (b) to check yourself and search the depths of you, understanding that we all are dark and only by His grace may we ever see light.

Someone sent me the quote below this morning and it spoke all over my heart, mind and soul.

"Be not angry that you cannot make others as you wish them to be, since you cannot make yourself as you wish to be." Thomas à Kempis

I prayed last week that God would show me where I was wrong in current areas of my life and why I was in a holding pattern in other areas. He shows in a loving way. In a way that makes me want to care more. To change. To love more. He is the only thing that is steady as a rock. He doesn't change. He loves me in spite of my darkness. He is not exclusive with His love.

Oh, how thankful I am for that love. A love that captured a wretched soul. That same love renews the wretched soul with kindness, mercy, gentleness and love.

1776. Independence Day.

2010-06-15T20:41:00.000-07:00

So last September I woke up in the middle of the night, somewhat fearful of a situation going on in my life. I couldn't sleep so I got up and read my Bible. I prayed. I begged God for relief. For freedom.

A few days later, He showed this to me in his word:

He brought me out into a spacious place; he rescued me because he delighted in me. - Psalm 18:19

I knew the answer. It was time to sell my house. Time for the Lord to rescue me from that time of life. Time to move on to the next phase. So I put my house on the market and it sold in a week. For sale by owner, and the 2nd person to look at it bought it. Did I mention it was for sale by owner?!

He spoke loud and clear. He told me something else was coming. So here I stand, ready for that next phase. I've started building my new, more spacious house. It's beautiful. It's overwhelming. There are tons of trees. It's peaceful.

You know what the square footage is? 1776. Why, you ask, is that important? It was when the declaration of independence was signed. Freedom for our country. Freedom in my life!

My God does not miss a detail. He loves to line stuff up. To confirm His message, His word. I think He has a sense of humor too. I mean, come on...1776!? How does that stuff happen?

Come see me!

Depth and details.

2010-05-10T11:58:00.001-07:00

I've started going with my bro and sis-in-law to Sunday night church at their church. It's a spiritually deep church, full of big words like sanctification, holy grace, redeemed....well, it's just challenging stuff which I love.

We are studying Exodus - right now, Moses. You know one thing the minister mentioned last week - the water is not to be disregard. Moses was put in a basket as a baby and delivered by that water. Later, he would deliver God's people right in the middle of the Red Sea (another body of water). He was delivered as a baby, God used him to deliver as a man. Seriously. God does not miss any detail.

I also heard last night that flesh is not "the body" as we tend to make it.....rather it is the untamed soul not in congruence with God's desires. Good stuff to think about.

Loving my soul being fed again.

(Image: RED SEA)

Someone I love.

2010-04-16T13:41:00.000-07:00

I have a few friends that truly know me. That will be honest with me. That will tell me when I need to adjust my attitude, my spirit. I love these friends with all of my being. I love when someone I love and cherish tells me to pull it together, for that makes a lasting bond.

I went walking with one of these friends the other night. For a long time. We talked about anything and everything but the best of which was the suffering of Christ. To know Christ is to experience His sufferings. Does it hurt? Like nothing else. Is it worth it? Above everything else.

My friend is going through a time of suffering. A time of loss. Her heart, mind and soul are grieving, yet she feels the heartbeat of Jesus lift her and pull her near to Him. She gets a glimpse of her small sufferings in comparison to His sufferings and it makes everything easier. Make sense? The more you suffer, the easier it is.. It's the peace of His nearness. The mercy He pours. The hope He gives.

Not sure how anyone that experiences hard things in life is able to cope without the hope of something to come. I heart Him. I heart how He changes us, how He allows us to see His love in the midst of our hurt in this fallen world. I heart how He will come and rescue.

Realness.

2010-04-09T13:27:00.000-07:00

I've recently been so turned off by people that only want to talk about how to grow, how to be better, how to love better, be more joyful, etc in every conversation (I guess I should say they want to talk to others about how to change). Possibly it's me being ridiculous, possibly it's me being allowed to see it from an unbelievers perspective. Whatever it is, what I'm learning is that people need to see realness and experience grace.

So here's something to know about me. I love Jesus (have you not gathered that from my blog, I have failed). But here are some other things to help you know that I am real:

1. I got angry this week. Angry. I had to work through it over a two-day period. I knew I was being ridiculous.
2. Sometimes I'm extremely insecure. Sometimes I'm extremely confident. Sometimes I'm in the middle.
3. I love to go see romantic movies, comedies, suspense movies. But not scary or horror movies. NO. And occasionally I watch a "R" movie, although I know it can affect my purity, my thoughts, my language - I have to weigh this out and determine if it's worth seeing the movie.
4. I love to dance like a wild woman when Rihanna comes on my iPod. Well, not just Rihanna, any good music with a beat.
5. I struggle with being single.
6. My big brother calls me everyday, and greets me by saying "Hey Ho". I am not a ho. But this is his term of endearment for me.
7. I have to work on my tone with my mom. It's gotten a ton better, but if we discuss money, I fire up.

Needless to say, those are just a few real things about me. Just because I do them, say them or think them doesn't mean I don't know that I need to change. I'm being real. I am not perfect. I am challenged by my shortcomings daily. Hear that. Just because I love to talk about the goodness of grace and love does not mean sometimes I wonder just how HE could love ME so much for I am but a filthy rag.

Hope it lets you see a little more of me. My heart is dark, yet He loves it the same.

So much more...

2010-04-08T14:30:00.000-07:00

One of the youth ministers at my church just tweeted this and it challenged me: "Eternal Life is so much more than going to heaven. It is the pursuit and the knowing.... JOHN 17:3"

Now this is eternal life: that they may know you, the only true God, and Jesus Christ, whom you have sent. John 17:3

Heaven and Hell.

2010-04-07T11:42:00.000-07:00

Just got done talking to someone about Heaven and Hell. Jesus as the Messiah. What happens when we die.

He said he thinks often about where he will go when he dies. But He's unsure. He asked me what I believed hell was like. He said He believes that Jesus was real, but can't believe He is the Messiah.

He is skeptical. He said "I'd believe if an angel appeared to me and revealed to me that it is real". I told him I'd pray that Jesus himself would come face-to-face with him and let him see.

Please join me. Power of the prayer of the saints can make a blind man see.

Pray for a miracle to happen.

Sunday's coming.

2010-04-05T14:29:00.001-07:00

It's Friday but Sunday's coming! from Pinelake Church on Vimeo.

The Real Face of Jesus.

2010-04-05T10:49:00.001-07:00

So yesterday I was sitting out on my parents porch, enjoying the oh-so-beautiful Easter day until my dad turned it on the "The Real Face of Jesus" on the History channel. Not wanting to watch, I left to play ball with the dogs in the back yard.

You see, I am so skeptical of shows about Jesus. I think oftentimes people make believe Jesus into their own story, with their own conclusions, and disregard scripture.

I talked to my dad once about the life of a believer. The conversation went much like this:

Me: So, Dad, you really have to have alotta faith to believe in something that is unseen. Stuff from a long time ago, in a book, right?
D: Yes. You do. What has you thinking about this?
Me: Oh, I don't know. I just think sometimes I am challenged to think harder and search harder about why I believe what I do.
D: Sweetheart, you know the only way to squash that wander is to read scripture...that is how God reveals himself.
Me: Oh, I know dad. I know.
D: And why wouldn't you believe in a faith that teaches you to love others. To feed the hungry, to give to the poor. To love the lepers.

SHEESH. The last sentence my dad said explains it all. WHY WOULDN'T YOU?! This faith is built on love. LOVE.

So back to the show. I came in from playing with the dogs and sat down to watch this show, unwillingly of course.

The facts were concrete. The information was legit. This group of people had taken what appeared to be the shroud of Christ, and analyzed it to see what could be the face of Christ.

The main scientist believed! HE BELIEVED IN CHRIST from his study. From the information he had gathered and the dimensional work he had done. I had chills all over my body listening to this man talk. He was a scientist. HE BELIEVED IN JESUS. (To see more pictures from the show, click here.)

And then they revealed the face of Christ (insert still scepticism) - and the face was precious. It was beautiful. The eyes were full of grace, mercy, love. He looked Mediterranean. It seemed legit. I teared up. It was absolutely amazing.

I had a moment of sweet thoughts thinking about the day that I will see him face-to-face. The moment that I am emptied from my earthly body to live in the heavenly realms. He will be full of grace and love, mercy and kindness. His eyes will capture my heart all over again. I believe with everything that is within me that one day He will come get me.

Do you? Read Luke 16:19-31. My heart breaks to think that anyone suffers like the rich young man.

What a Beautiful Friday.

2010-04-02T18:40:00.000-07:00

Today is Good Friday. The day that Jesus died some thousand years ago. The day that He was crushed for our sins and the punishment that was upon him brought us peace. The day when he was separated from God for you and for me. The day when he became a leper so that we wouldn't have to be.

The veil was torn, and it was finished. Done.

He was despised and rejected by men,
a man of sorrows, and familiar with suffering.
Like one from whom men hide their faces
he was despised, and we esteemed him not.

⁴ Surely he took up our infirmities
and carried our sorrows,
yet we considered him stricken by God,
smitten by him, and afflicted.

⁵ But he was pierced for our transgressions,
he was crushed for our iniquities;
the punishment that brought us peace was upon him,
and by his wounds we are healed.

⁶ We all, like sheep, have gone astray,
each of us has turned to his own way;
and the LORD has laid on him
the iniquity of us all.

⁷ He was oppressed and afflicted,
yet he did not open his mouth;
he was led like a lamb to the slaughter,
and as a sheep before her shearers is silent,
so he did not open his mouth.

⁸ By oppression ^a]">[a] and judgment he was taken away.
And who can speak of his descendants?
For he was cut off from the land of the living;
for the transgression of my people he was stricken. ^b]">[b]

⁹ He was assigned a grave with the wicked,
and with the rich in his death,
though he had done no violence,
nor was any deceit in his mouth.

¹⁰ Yet it was the LORD's will to crush him and cause him to suffer,
and though the LORD makes ^c]">[c] his life a guilt offering,
he will see his offspring and prolong his days,
and the will of the LORD will prosper in his hand.

¹¹ After the suffering of his soul,
he will see the light of life ^d]">[d] and be satisfied ^e]">[e] ;
by his knowledge ^f]">[f] my righteous servant will justify many,
and he will bear their iniquities.

Appreciating where you are.

2010-03-31T20:44:00.000-07:00

It's so easy to hope for the next thing. To live for the next trip. To hope for the person you will marry.

But is that the way we should live? Hmmm. Something to think about. We are to live with a hope of what is to come, for sure, but is that in the form of trips, people, etc.? It says in proverbs that a hope deferred makes the heart sick but a longing fulfilled is the tree of life.

So it is not wrong to hope, and wait in expectation, as long as it does not take over our hope in what is to come to SAVE us. And as long as we understand that a deferment of that hope can make us sick. Physically and Spiritually.

With that said, I decided this morning to put on jeans and walk through the grove in Oxford. We are up here for meetings, and I had memories flood me. Overwhelm me, to a degree. It's beautiful, it's spring, it's cool. It's perfect. Literally. The spring in Oxford is one of the best things ever.

I realized that when I was in school here I always hoped for what was to come. To be looking past where I was, and wondering what was next. And I missed it. I took this place so for granted. I took my friends so for granted.

It made me think about where I am and living as if each day is my last. Will definitely give me so much more appreciation for every phase of my life, and will make me stop wishing away where I am.

Fitting In.

2010-03-28T20:33:00.000-07:00

So I have recently gone through a bit of a "lonely" phase with friends. Not the kind where I don't feel like I have any - cause for Heaven's sake, I have some of the best friends in this world...but more of a "I-don't-feel-like-I-fit-in-in-my-immediate-surroundings/can-relate/am-not-included" phase. There are people in my life that include me in the minor things, but when it's time to engage in other activities I'm left in the dark.

And I get that. I totally understand it. I understand that I wouldn't have fun/they feel weird, etc., but that doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt when I'm not invited. I'm still an emotional female that has to rationalize my feelings.

So I am reading scripture recently and am reminded of this in 1 Peter 4 (read the whole chapter here - it's good stuff):

¹⁴If you are reviled for the name of Christ, you are blessed, because the Spirit of glory and of God rests on you.

And I feel a little better. I think through that: "I am sharing in the sufferings of Christ. He wasn't accepted. He was beaten down in spirit. People thought He was crazy. Yet He still showed them love. Always."

And then I'm hit square between the eyes. Can I claim this scripture? That I am reviled (persecuted) because the glory of the Lord rests on me? Am I really shinning with that glory? um. Reality check.

My attitude has been bad - I have not been sweet to these people. They frustrate me. They hurt me.

Yet God loves me enough to discipline me. To show me this loneliness so I can learn the lesson of what this means. Suffering is going to come for a believer of Jesus. We are meant to share in his sufferings (Romans 5) so we can be more like Him, and a reflection of Him. I have failed miserably to date. But I'm working to get my attitude in check. Understanding that I am going to be left out, but I want it to be because the glory of the Lord rests upon me, and I want to be sure of that. And I want to love these people with an unconditional love and offer unending amounts of grace - for that is what has been offered to me. I have no authority to pass judgment for I am nothing but a filthy rag at my best.

Boston.

2010-03-19T10:10:00.000-07:00

For anyone that knows me, they know that I love Boston.

I'm not sure what it is about the city that first drew me in - but I have been captivated since the first time I went. Probably due to the fact that people are just real. They don't fake it. Many don't believe what I believe, and they aren't going to tell me they do. I find that refreshing. I find it freeing that the I'm-going-to-tell-you-and-act-like-you-want-me-to in the south is gone. Removed.

Here are a few pics from my travels. Was up there for two days to see friends, and five more to work. Craziness.

Meeting strangers in the airport.

2010-03-18T10:05:00.000-07:00

One positive of an airport layover is people watching. I always wonder where people are from, where they are going, what their family is like and if they know Him.

There are times when I speak, there are times when I am silent, but it never fails that I find myself watching all that surrounds me.

And then I get to the gate that comes home. That beautiful gate that says "Jackson, Miss.". After eight days away, it almost makes me want to cry. So close, yet still away. There is something so refreshing about being around people that call your home their home as well.

Yesterday I noticed an older gentleman sitting across from me in the terminal. I was playing on my phone, my computer, etc. and watched occasionally as he sat quietly, carefully watching his surroundings. He was a very unassuming man - wore wranglers that were dry cleaned with the perfect press, work boots and a button up. He had scruff - the kind of scruff of one that works on the land.

I left to speak to a neighbor of my parents, and came back and rotated seats. I noticed he sat down beside me (facing the other way). He started to talk. About anything and everything. Politics (how he didn't trust anyone in the government), traveling (where he had been), hunting (what he lives to do), marriage (how he had failed) and Jesus.

I guessed I looked like someone that he could talk to. I guess at that moment I had the reflection of Christ and was able to gently open a listening ear. I guess this man was a bit lonely, although he'd never admit it.

And then He rocked my world. He said, "I grew up in a christian family, but did not know what a relationship was like. I just believed, but I didn't know. And then one day, I saw the face of Christ and I knew that He is real. I KNOW Him."

I got chills all over my body. The experience for me was strangely similiar. I believed it cause that was what I was taught. But I know it because He revealed His love and grace over me. And that was that. This sweet older gentleman left me talking about killing a turkey tomorrow (which is today) - doing what he loves most.

Yet I was left with a strong sense of encouragement of my conversations with a sweet, older, unassuming gentleman. My faith is not to be quieted, I am to be bold.

2 Corinthians 3:

⁷Now if the ministry that brought death, which was engraved in letters on stone, came with glory, so that the Israelites could not look steadily at the face of Moses because of its glory, fading though it was, ⁸will not the ministry of the Spirit be even more glorious? ⁹If the ministry that condemns men is glorious, how much more glorious is the ministry that brings righteousness! ¹⁰For what was glorious has no glory now in comparison with the surpassing glory. ¹¹And if what was fading away came with glory, how much greater is the glory of that which lasts!
¹²Therefore, since we have such a hope, we are very bold. ¹³We are not like Moses, who would put a veil over his face to keep the Israelites from gazing at it while the radiance was fading away. ¹⁴But their minds were made dull, for to this day the same veil remains when the old covenant is read. It has not been removed, because only in Christ is it taken away. ¹⁵Even to this day when Moses is read, a veil covers their hearts. ¹⁶But whenever anyone turns to the Lord, the veil is taken away. ¹⁷Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. ¹⁸And we, who with unveiled faces all reflect^a]">[a] the Lord's glory, are being transformed into his likeness with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit.

Thoughts on Turbulence, an Out of Control Airplane, and my Lack of Faith.

2010-03-10T08:47:00.000-08:00

The older I get, the more I dislike flying. I've come to believe it's because I live in a small city so we only fly little bitty airplanes in and out of our airport. That said, flying on a little bitty airplane is far different that one that covers the atlantic, pacific, and any other ocean for that matter.

You see, little bitty airplanes hit a pothole in the sky and you drop 5 ft. 10 ft, maybe 30 ft. And then if it's air like, say Riverside Drive, you bounce literally all over the sky.

My flight today to D.C., well, that's exactly what we did. We flew up, down, bounced around a bit, then pointed the nose back up, then dropped 20 ft., 5 ft., 15 ft. The seat light would turn off, come on, turn off....and finally the pilot said, "there is much more bad weather than we expected, so the light is going to remain on". In my mind, he was saying "we aren't sure if we are going to have to make an emergency landing, cause I'm having a hard time roping this animal today - enjoy your trip to the theme park."

So in the midst of the wildness, I turned my iPod to the maximum (never done that before, my ears are still ringing), and put it on praise and started this conversation with God:

M: G, please, please, please. You can tell the air to calm itself with one word, movement of the hand.....please!
G: My sweet child, what are you afraid of? Don't you know that I am in control?
M: I know G, but this out-of-control feeling is terrifying.
G: What is the worse case, that you die? In your death, you will see Me.
M: And how I long for that day! You know what G, please forgive me for doubting you and being so quick to ask for relief, instead of asking for the lesson. If today is my day to die, then bring YOURSELF on.

45 minutes later, it calmed down. But I was strangely okay between the really loud praise music "Our God is greater, Our God is higher, Our God is stronger than any other...and If our God is for us, that who can ever stop us? And if our God is with us, that what could stand against?"....Brings new perspective to " the peace that surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus" in Philippians.

³⁵That day when evening came, he said to his disciples, "Let us go over to the other side." ³⁶Leaving the crowd behind, they took him along, just as he was, in the boat. There were also other boats with him. ³⁷A furious squall came up, and the waves broke over the boat, so that it was nearly swamped. ³⁸Jesus was in the stern, sleeping on a cushion. The disciples woke him and said to him, "Teacher, don't you care if we drown?"
³⁹He got up, rebuked the wind and said to the waves, "Quiet! Be still!" Then the wind died down and it was completely calm.
⁴⁰He said to his disciples, "Why are you so afraid? Do you still have no faith?"
⁴¹They were terrified and asked each other, "Who is this? Even the wind and the waves obey him!" Mark 4:35-41

*the pretty picture above is not from today.

SNOW.

2010-02-15T10:20:00.000-08:00

I love snow. Love it. It reminds me of God's purity. It reminds me of His cleansing. It reminds me of His beauty.

I turned 30 on Saturday and the day prior I was able to bask (and frolic) in His goodness that came in the form of snow. I am convinced it was his birthday present to me. I am convinced it was his reminder of the cleansing he gave me so many years ago. I am convinced that he sends blessings like this to show us His love for us.

He's good, that God. I heart him with all of who I am. Can't wait to frolic in the true pure snow in Heaven.

Taste and see. For He is good!

Jesus is Saying....

2010-02-15T08:38:00.000-08:00

As I mentioned in a previous post, John Piper's talk at Passion rocked my world. Jesus has been so gracious to me and helped me understand this, but hearing Piper put it in perfect perspective made every bit of my mind, heart and soul grin (well, beam...let's be real.) See below my favorite excerpt. If you want to read the whole thing (get ready, he's DEEP), go here.

JESUS IS SAYING

He is saying: If you find your ultimate joy in your most cherished earthly treasure, you will be disappointed in the end, and I will be dishonored. Because I am offering myself to you as the all-satisfying beauty and greatness and wisdom and strength and love of the universe. I am what you were made for. And I am telling you that, if you see this—if you see me as your supreme Treasure—then you don’t have to choose between your satisfaction and my glorification, because in the very act of your being most satisfied in me, I will be most glorified in you.

Jesus continues, “When I pray for you, that in the end you will see my glory, it is simply because, as God, I am infinitely glorious, and I want you to see infinite glory and enjoy it. I want you to be with me and be satisfied in me. I am not an egomaniac. I am your all-satisfying friend.”

Awakened.

2010-01-08T14:18:00.000-08:00

Somewhere around 20 I recognized my life was special. Not for anything I had or would do, but because the God of the universe desired for me to be fully satisfied. That satisfaction, built through surrender, would truly take me to His face, His heart and bring fullness of joy (Psalm 16:11).

I learned something precious through the surrender: His glory is the only thing I am to seek. The only thing.

The world is passing away, and also its lusts;
but the one who does the will of God lives forever. I John 2:17

I heard John Piper speak this past weekend at Passion 2010. God was so precious to remind me that the ONLY way we will ever be fully satisfied is through the joy and fullness of God getting glory over our lives. Some may say, wow, that God - he's so jealous for attention. But that attention he seeks is so that we will understand what it means to have purpose, joy, happiness. It's an act of grace and love.

I don't know about you, but I have no clue why someone would desire that for my ugly-ole-self. I understand desperation. I understand the removal and dying of self. I am so tired of me. I am tired of not being kind. Of loving only myself. I am worn out from seeking the things of this earth. I am desperate.

Taste and See....

2009-12-03T08:52:00.001-08:00

This past week has been a trying week to say the least. Nothing is "bad" wrong, but the reality of what is going on within me saddens my heart.

I had to go to the emergency room Monday due to great pain in my abdomen. I figured appendix or gallbladder but it was neither. It was the same disease the world-known doctor diagnosed me with when I was 15, but I chose to believe he did not know what he was talking about.

The ER doctor was a saint, and after many test confirmed my suspicions (after all, we all know when something is not right within us, even if we choose not to believe). I was good. I was collected. He left the room...and I wept.

"Mom, I don't understand. I don't understand why I have to have this condition that will stay with me. I don't understand why Brad had to have epilepsy. Why are we both afflicted with health challenges that cannot be "fixed"?"

And the Lord so gently reminded me of my brother in his first year of his neurology residency - pediatric, at that.

"My child, some things are not meant for you to understand. Do not worry. Trust me. I allow these things to come to you because you are mine and I believe in you. This is so that you can experience My sufferings, and learn to be more like me and be sanctified. Allow it to challenge you, but know that I am with you, so do not let it take over you. Let me show you and remind me of my love for you. I just want to pursue your heart and heal the pain. And remember...one day, I will make you whole. Perfect."

I am Royalty. A child of the loving God: His treasured possession.

Taste and See that the Lord is Good.

Invite Him In.

2009-11-12T08:36:00.000-08:00

yes, please. I was just reminded via this daily email, of a time when I let Jesus go to the depth of my heart, and how He healed what was so broken. The mess I had made, and yet He came in, embraced me, and started the process of forgiveness and growth. I heart him.

Expectantly?

2009-11-09T11:27:00.000-08:00

I have started writing for a statewide publication called Real Women. My article in the magazine focuses on worshiping God during a season of wait....that wait called singleness.

I went to the reservoir Saturday to spend time with God and prayed He'd give me a word to write about. I am a prideful person. I'd love to write about my perspective on it, but He was quick to tell me to write about what His word says, for it is the only truth.

I was in the old testament (I LOVE THE OT!), and was reminded of the word he had given me a few years back in a tough time:

He humbled you and let you be hungry, and fed you with manna which you did not know, nor did your fathers know, that He might make you understand that man does not live by bread alone, but man lives by everything that proceeds out of the mouth of the LORD.

It goes on to say that he is bringing me in a new land, much of what he's promised me recently via other areas of scripture. If you back up before these verses, scripture says "For the Lord your God is a FAITHFUL God." Faithful = Trustworthy. And then in Micah 7:7 it says for us to wait expectantly upon the Lord.

I don't know about you, but knowing how much God loves me (sheesh, He poured grace over me), and knowing He's trustworthy, I'm pretty excited about the amazing plan coming my way. And I am choosing to wait expectantly!

In the morning, O Lord, you hear my voice; in the morning I lay my requests before you and wait in expectation." -Psalm 5:3

Funny the way it is...

2009-10-02T11:24:00.000-07:00

This song hit me the other day. It has no spiritual context, but the words just hit my soul. "Funny the way it is, if you think about it, someone's going hungry while someone else is eating out" ...
And it reminded me how excessively blessed I am. To be able to eat out, while someone down the street is begging for an ounce of food (and across the world). I was also reminded that to be set apart means I need to look different from the world. How is that accomplished? Love others, especially the hurting and the poor. Maybe the next time I decide to go out to dinner, I'll go feed the homeless instead.

Lying in the park on a beautiful day
Sunshine in the grass, and the children play
Siren’s passing, fire engine red
Someone’s house is burning down on a day like this

The evening comes and we’re hanging out
On the front step and a car rolls by with the windows rolled down
And that war song is playing, “why can’t we be friends?”
Someone is screaming and crying in the apartment upstairs

Funny the way it is, if you think about it
Somebody’s going hungry and someone else is eating out
Funny the way it is, not right or wrong
Somebody’s heart is broken and it becomes your favorite song

The way your mouth feels in your lovers kiss
Like a pretty bird on a breeze or water to a fish
A bomb blast brings a building crashing to the floor
You hear the laughter while the children play war

Funny the way it is, if you think about it
One kid walks 10 miles to school, another’s dropping out
Funny the way it is, not right or wrong
On a soldier’s last breath his baby’s being born

Standing on a bridge, watch the water passing under me
It must’ve been much harder when there was no bridge just water
Now the world is small, remember how it used to be
With mountains and oceans and winters and rivers and stars

Watch the sky, the jet planes, so far out of my reach
Is there someone up there looking down on me?
Boy chase a bird, so close but every time
He’ll never catch her, but he can’t stop trying

Funny the way it is, if you think about it
One kid walks 10 miles to school, another’s dropping out
Funny the way it is, not right or wrong
On a soldier’s last breath his baby’s being born
Funny the way it is, not right or wrong
Somebody’s broken heart becomes your favorite song
Funny the way it is, if you think about it
A kid walks 10 miles to school, another’s dropping out

Standing on a bridge, watch the water passing under me
It must’ve been much harder when there was no bridge just water
Now the world is small, remember how it used to be
With mountains and oceans and winters and rivers and stars

Delight

2009-09-11T07:08:00.000-07:00

Psalm 18:19 "he rescued me because he delighted in me."

What does delight look like? We are told if we "delight ourselves in the Lord, he will give us the desires of our heart." And then he tells us he will rescue us because he delights in us.

Delight: a high degree of gratification : joy; also : extreme satisfaction

Imagine that. Substitute it - if we place our extreme satisfaction/gratification in the Lord, he will give us the desires of our heart. But if we are placing our satisfaction in him, wouldn't HE be that desire? I'm just sayin.

Single

2009-09-10T15:03:00.000-07:00

Main Entry: ¹sin·gle
Pronunciation: \ˈsiŋ-gəl\
Function: adjective
Etymology: Middle English sengle, from Anglo-French, from Latin singulus one only; akin to Latin sem- one — more at same
Date: 14th century

1 a : not married b : of or relating to celibacy
2 : unaccompanied by others : lone, sole
3 a (1) : consisting of or having only one part, feature, or portion

I think about this definition: unaccompanied by others (lone, sole), consisting of or having only one part, feature, or portion, and I'm challenged. If you think about it, we are never (in Christ) consisting of only one part, so we can never technically be 'single' or 'lone' as it is described. We may be without human companionship, but Christ is always with us.

Um, okay. For those of you who think that is hogwash, take a walk with me. I had a hard time believing 1. He was real, 2. He REALLY could satisfy that longing with himself. Yes, I long, Yes, I hope to be married, Yes, I want to one day enjoy the pleasurable things of marriage. But for now, Is it enough to rest in His love over me? To want anything more means to mistrust him. Let's journey together....